the ugly side of running

(I posted a private entry in my journal to remind myself of this experience, but I don't feel like sharing all the details with the world, so I'll post an abridged version here of my self reflection and lessons learned.)

I love running, but sometimes it just blows. It is the most confidence building and demoralizing sport all in one, and it can happen all in the same day. Last night I questioned everything and it sucked. I am still going to go forward with this; I just have to figure out how, and I know that I have to come to terms with the fact that I will have days like this again. It's part of being a runner. It is not all roses and daisies. It is a huge mental sport. I didn't want to believe that when I read people say it, but it's so true.

While I am fine running by myself most of the time, I need more motivation and support to keep going and go the distance. I can't run long distances on my own. I think the Galloway group will be fine; they are my pace and, after all, all I have to do is keep up for 2 minutes then I can walk. I just don't want to do that much walking, and it just sucks that I am so slow that I have to use that interval and not something more reasonable like 5/1 or something, but frak it. Galloway is an Olympic athlete and has run many marathons and I have read nothing but sucess stories, so I may as well be one too :) It will be a gentle way to get up to the distance and I can still do my shorter mid-week runs on my own without walking. So maybe that will be a good balance.

Motivation

I am feeling very unmotivated lately. I still have some weight to lose and some unhealthy eating habits to kick. I have no problem keeping up with the running or biking to work, but the rest seems like a chore. I don't seem to have energy to think about lifting weights or doing more yoga. I am tired of thinking about what I should be eating and when or trying to come up with new things to cook or snack on. I am trying real hard to make good choices and not get bored and it is all very exhausting. I am even tired of the self portrait project, but I don't really want to give any of it up.

Keeping track of what I eat (minus the calories) is a great reality check for me. I see the amount of snacks I have some days and its absurd. So now I am really trying to focus on having fruits and veggies at the ready for snacks instead of reaching for another granola bar or nabisco pack. I think I've used these "100 calorie packs" and granola bars as a crutch and it has to stop. But doing the right thing just seems so time consuming at times, you know?

This weekend I went and bought all sorts of things to help with this, including fresh fruits and veggies from the Farmer's market and some edamame and tofu at Target. However, preparing it all just seems daunting. I finally cut up all the fruit so it is ready for me to just throw into a fruit salad when hungry or into a smoothie, but now I am out of ice. I think I got overwhelmed by the amount of food in my fridge and that all this stuff would go bad before I get chance to eat it because my brain is not yet wired to think fruit/veggies when I am hungry and I keep reaching for the granola bars or nabisco snacks. At least I did not replenish my chocolate supply when I went shopping, so that is something.

In addition to eating more fruit and veggies, I want to cut down on the amount of meat I consume. I think this is another crutch for me, so I want to start eating more vegetarian meals and seafood. I am doing good on the seafood, but the veggies still need work. So I bought an egg plant. I've never eating egg plant before, so any suggestions to ease me into it would be much appreciated.

If you made it this far, thanks for letting me vent :) Sometimes we just need to get it out so we can move on =)